Caged
I do not like to cry. Not only does crying distort facial features to puffy and red doom, but it also leaves me feeling tired and worn out after I’m done. There are other reasons, but I’ll get to those later...
Shelby and I are planning to take part in the talent show for Beta Club. We’re performing "What Is This Feeling?" from "Wicked"...ironically, I’m the perky, pink, preppy witch, Galinda, while Shelby is Elphaba, the green witch who’s an outcast. The song itself is hilarious as both of us are conveying our loathing for each other to great extents throughout its entirety.
Then the problems came into play: though I have confessed myself as a procrastinator, I can be a bit of a perfectionist at times, especially when getting ready to sing for an audience of hundreds of people XD. Shelby likes to procrastinate, so she always felt that the day of our performance was farther than it seemed (we leave for Beta Convention next Wednesday I believe). And so, Shelby didn’t practice the song as much as I wanted her to. It turned out that I was practicing, along with coming up with the basic choreography. Dread began to pile on each time I asked Shelby if she had practiced and she replied with a "No, I was too tired..." or "No, I was way too busy last night." It was simply not enough to practice for 20 or so minutes at school and do absolutely nothing at home!
After a couple more incidents similar to the above, I finally went off. Now not in a storming, explosive fashion, but more like a firm, harsher way of words. I simply said that I felt rotten as it felt as if I was doing all the work, putting more effort into everything, and finally ending with, "This experience has taught me to never do something like this with you again...it’s too much."
Shelby, being a person who takes things to heart and slightly emotional, decided that if I was going to be mean to her like that then she wanted no part in the talent show with me. *sigh* Too bad that $50 had been paid by the both of us along with making the commitment to doing the song...
After she refused to go practice with me today, I simply turned around and walked away. I couldn’t handle it anymore. This and other stimulations of stress such as my siblings, school in general, and nobody I could talk to in an instant. My only choice left was the guidance office, not too bad, especially as they were able to help last year when I was having issues with my dad. They told me to check back in the next day because all the counselors were either gone or busy. I left, set on telling our Beta sponsor that the talent show gig was over, especially after the finality Shelby used when refusing to practice.
I look back and realize how great it was that Mr. Q wasn’t in his room when I checked. If he was, there would’ve been no song, no nothing. But at the time of course, I didn’t realize it. It was then that I let myself go, allowing myself to let tears fall. I hated it. I didn’t want to be seen as this helpless little girl roaming down the hallways, all emotionally disturbed but not knowing what to do about it. Back to the guidance office I went, and I managed to croak out a question asking if I could simply sit there.
It was like my entire guard was down; I was completely vulnerable, those tears lifted a shield away, allowing for onlookers to really look at me. My other reason for not liking to cry? Outsiders’ reactions. I sat there as students and teachers cast me forced expressions of concern or skittered away nervously, as if I was a time bomb. Some just stared, no expression on their faces at all, scrutinizing my every move.
Mr. Cavenaugh was the first counselor free. It was humiliating what happened next: the secretary pointed at me (very obviously, if I may add) and motioned for Mr. C to take me into his office. Now Mr. C looks like the kind of dude who’d be a football/military buff. More like the kind of guy who would love to hear about your greatest moment in sports rather than petty and trivial friendship problems. Mr. C just gave the secretary and incredulous look and averted his eyes away from me, pretending that I hardly existed. I felt really trivial and petty at that moment. He was nice in one aspect though: he offered me a new Kleenex box after I used up the one on the front desk XD
Then, Tony and Cody came in. Cody I’ve known since last year, more of a friend/close acquaintance. I had only seen Tony once before and heard about him from Calli in my Pre-Calculus class. If it hadn’t been for him, that long wait would’ve been entirely miserable. Tony brought a smile to my face with his spastic remarks and sincere interest in how I was feeling. I hardly know the guy and he asks about me and what’s going on. If it hadn’t been for my stuffy nose and blocked up throat I most probably would’ve opened up right then and there.
Sheesh, there aren’t too many gentlemen out there, but when one is found, it’s refreshing, especially because it keeps your hopes up for the male population ^.^
I’ll wrap this up briefly: I finally got to speak with Mrs. Gage, a very sweet woman. She helped me realize some things...like whether or not maintaining a friendship with Shelby is really worth it. Doubts have drifted through my mind, but for now, I’ll push them away. Mrs. Gage even brought Shelby in so we wouldn’t act like immature idiots (I’m not immature! As for that other describing word...) and try to stay away from each other. We solved the issue, and ‘tis certain that we’ll be singing at Convention. And maybe even kicking butt while we’re at it...
Thanks Tony.
posted by Sanaa @ 7:53 PM
Comments: 1
